i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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