If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize