hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
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thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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