Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
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Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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