My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
