And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
