Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it's like iHOP with fire
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
