I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
