Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
