God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize