im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
