is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
