the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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