dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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