If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
