I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
