Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
