if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
