I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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