She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
