my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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