I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
