i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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