I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
