You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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