My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
