I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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