1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
