i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
