Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
