he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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