Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
