don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
As shirtless as possible
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
