im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
