I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
