peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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