Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
two words: eviction party
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
