i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
