im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
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I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
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Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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