and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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