I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
