Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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