Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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