I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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