i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
