I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
