So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am one with the molecules
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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