I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
