i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
