dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
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I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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