ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else