I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.