I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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