if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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