dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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