Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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