I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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